Thursday, April 30, 2009

My blessing

It's no shocker to most that my life isn't perfect, it doesn't fit into a pretty box.  I have many struggles, but I have even more blessings.   This week I found out that my sister is pregnant with number four and I couldn't be happier for her.    I feel terrible that I wasn't able to keep up with the smiling and the happiness.  I didn't realize that I was sad, until I watched her calling her friends to announce the good news.  Then it hit me; I didn't get to do that with Annie.   It wasn't good news the way it is for my sister.  My pregnancy wasn't celebrated.   It wasn't a wonderful experience.    I had three days of just getting used to the idea before my life was torn apart by a woman who didn't even know me.    Her words have haunted me for the past three years, and I am still struggling to remind myself they weren't true.    I was lost, depressed, alone, and beyond sad.   It was a struggle that I was going to have to deal with the rest of my life.  I hate to even write these words about my pregnancy because Annie deserves to be celebrated every day.  She is the most beautiful, wonderful gift I have ever received in my life and God blesses me everyday through her.   I guess I'm just mourning what wasn't, and what isn't, and praying that at some point Annie will know what it's like to have two people who love each other, love her.    That she will have a little brother or sister to play and grow with.   That I will get to experience having someone love me and tell me that I am beautiful, someone who will stay.  
Thank you everyone for your calls and emails.  I promise you I'm not going to jump off a bridge.  I'm just working through the sad parts in life that I tend to put away for the rainy days, and it's been really rainy lately.   I know God is with me each step and that he has a great plan for my life.   No matter what happens I am a part of his plan.


Bailey Mohr said...

I love you, Maddie. I think you are a beautiful, amazing mom. You and Annie are so lovable.


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