Friday, July 31, 2009


I had a small break between jobs today and took Annie to lunch. As we're walking to the car I'm singing a song (not a normal thing), and Annie looks up at me and asks, "why you talking that way?" I tell her, I'm singing to her. She looks right at me and says, "I not that girl."

Friday, July 24, 2009

dress up, yoga and sprinklers

Totally random, not planned day, but it turned out well. I called my sister to ask about Sam's birthday this morning. I wanted to know if we having a dinner or anything. The reply was no, because we're having Annie's birthday party this weekend. So OK, phone mission accomplished get out quick. Sadly I wasn't fast enough. It started with a very dangerous question "what are you doing today?" Foolishly I reply, "nothing." I was walking blindly into a trap and I didn't even realize it.
Before I knew what happened my sisters older two came over to the house. My day of nothing quickly became filled with a lot of somethings. There was Dress up, and tea parties, Sprinklers and water Yoga, foolishly irresistible brownies laced with butterscotch and movies in the hallway. It was to say the least very busy. Sadie, sat in the middle of the lawn under the sprinkler and started meditating? Where did this come from. The other two girls quickly imitate their older counterpart. The wisest munchkin in the clan. Please note the very serious level of relaxed focus this little girl is expressing.
When Sadie decided she had soaked up enough water and cosmic vibes she moved to her towel, followed again by her two shadows. Ruby tried her best to replicate Sadie's posture while my little Annie ate a barbie hair brush.
Ruby quickly got up and went to the kiddy pool after I took this shot. Sadie however continued to sit there. Only breaking her focus to start going through a series of Yoga positions. I'm guessing she picked those up from our trip to Tower Grove park last Saturday. We watched the circle of people doing Yoga for probably 15 minutes. Who knew she was really paying that much attention.
We finally dried off and ate lunch. The girls surprisingly still had energy left, so they played dress up. It got a little rough fighting over a cellophane center piece they found in the house somewhere. Poor Banjo was the prince and he had to go every where they went. Oddly I think he enjoys it a little.

All in all today was good. I managed to get nothing done, but had a lot of laughs. I'm so glad Annie has these girls to grow up with, and that Banjo is their prince.

Monday, July 20, 2009


Do you ever just feel utterly trapped in your life? I have been really struggling with this lately, and have come the conclusion that until God makes a move I just have to sit here with my lot and learn to be grateful. It's easier said then done. Nothing is easy anymore. Nothing just flows, everything is complicated and cumbersome. Just going to the store is near impossible right now, and I thought life would get easier as Annie got older. HA!
In order for me to go to the grocery store I have to call Gigi, see if Banjo can come to her house. Drive Banjo there, go to the store, take the groceries home and then go back to pick up the dog. The process takes about three hours. Why do you ask do I have to do that? Well turns out my perfect dog isn't so perfect. Whenever I leave him in the house he poops. The vet said it's a common problem with dogs of his breed. They get mad when left. It wouldn't be such a big problem if I didn't have a scalped chicken staying in his cage right now. Yes, I said scalped. I'd post a picture but I think it might be illegal to post something so gruesome. I tried closing him off in one of the rooms, but that means poop in which ever room you leave him in and he can open closed doors. Not sure how he does it, but it's happened twice now.
Then there's the question of exercise. It's not possible to exercise with an almost three year old. Walks involve tiny bicycles which are surprisingly heavy and moving at a snails pace. Doesn't exactly get the blood pumping. So that requires dropping Annie off at my mothers. Yep you guessed it, three hour trip just to run around the block a few times.
So this is what it's like to be a single mom. I never really was that curious, and kinda wished things were different. Well not kinda. I really wish things were different. I see things slowly getting worse month by month. My ability to handle stress is decreasing by the second. Every time I get a bill in the mail I just cry. I can't remember how to multitask. I haven't cooked in over a month. I've started gaining weight over the last six months not a lot, but five pounds here or there add up and I can't get the weight off. Why you ask? See above.
Then there's the over whelming loneliness, that constantly eats at you. No money to go out. No time to commit to building friendships. Being to exhausted to get motivated. Fear of falling apart in front of someone your just getting to know, because your barely hanging on, is also an unattractive problem. I'm not keen on being seen as the girl who breaks down crying all the time, but that's what I fight against doing every day. I'm not even going to tell you what happens when you try to befriend the wrong kind of girl. Just don't be suprised when rumors fly and your name is dragged through the mud, and the thought of trying again with someone else becomes so scarry you'd rather stay home alone on your one night off from parenting and working.
I really hate to say it but I'm tired, and there's is no fix. No solution. I have to wait. I don't even know what I'm waiting for, but every time I try and fix things myself I feel God is saying no, be patient. At least I really hope thats what he's saying, it could just be I'm getting lazy. I don't even have any more ideas as to what I can do to make things better. I'm all out. All tried, all failed.
We've been focusing on the beatitudes in church this last month, and where it talks about those who mourn, will be comforted, I get scared. Do those who mourn ever smile again, are they happy ever? I feel eaten up by all the brokenness in my life. That when a counselor tells me it's ok to mourn over all the things that aren't, I can't. I feel like it will consume me. That if I let go and look at my life, the sadness will take over.
A few sessions ago I had to take in my photo album of me as a kid growing up to look at. When she told me I was pretty, I wanted to hit her, and tell her it's not nice to lie. No one ever said I was pretty growing and I have never felt pretty, and when she said that I got so angry. I don't even know what or who I was angry at. Was it her or all the people in my life who never told me I was pretty? Thankfully I didn't hit her. But her words have really affected me since then. I think back and I try to tell myself I was pretty then.
I hate thinking back to me before Christ. How ugly my life was. How twisted my motivations were. How empty everything felt. Trying to tell myself that God loved me then, is hard. It's hard to believe that he could even look at the women I was without disgust and anger. That even then he was working on a plan to save me from myself, is hard to believe some days. The fact that he did it, I find myslef thinking was an accident. That he didn't mean to. But the truth is he did. He planned this all out, and not just when I ended up pregnant. He planned this out before I was even born. He loved me then. And if he planned that far in advance to rescue me, I can not doubt that he has plans for the rest of my life. That he knows what he's doing. I do not have to join to find a husband. God planned for that, he's knows I am lonely, he's know I want Annie to have a full time dad. He doesn't need my help, all he needs is my faith in him.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

not a very exciting post.

So here's your Sunday update on Annie and I. I'm in the process of painting Annie's room for her birthday. This is the first room I'll be painting in this house. Not sure I'll do another. The sanding alone is a lot. Our dear Aunt Leslie is sending Annie curtains and a bed spread from one of her rooms she recently updated. To say I'm excited is an understatement. Leslie is known for her great taste and beautiful things, so I can't wait to see it. Annie's Aunt Debbie is supplying a beautiful bed frame and a mattress to go in it. It's unbelievable to me sometimes how generous and amazing people can be. There's no way I could afford all these things for Annie. Her room is currently unused. Annie doesn't like to even go in it. I'm hoping this update will change that. As it was I didn't like going in there either. Imagine Flesh toned walls and grayed flesh tones on the woodwork. With dark wood furniture and a dingy old carpet. Pretty much the whole house is like this, but we've managed to hide that fact somewhat downstairs. I kinda ran out of things to make the upstairs look nice.
We have an injured chicken staying in our den. She was scalped by a turkey. Who knows if she'll live or not. Things are looking better since I got her inside away from the turkey. We may be eating turkey sooner than I thought.
We tried to go on a walk to let the chicken rest (Annie insists on staying right by her side). It ended with me carrying Annie and her bike while holding the leash that Banjo was trying to pull my arm off with. It was the kind of walk where all I wanted to do was cry because I had no help and no other way to get home. I did try leaving the bike and Annie lost it. She fell at the playground and refused to walk. Grrr.
Lord, please send me a husband. No joke I really want one.

That's it for today.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Where's my pillow?

My Blog has been seriously behind lately. I haven't had the time to do much of anything, and since blogging is on my list right after, wash dishes and do laundry, I just never get to it. This morning I decided I would skip the dishes and since I never get to the laundry, it can wait another day. I've been working a lot lately, which means Annie spends most her time with my mother, and nothing gets done at home. Biggest downside to single parenting, you still have to do the house work even after working all day. And no, no one is going to the grocery store for you. I really think the government should have a free maid service available for all single working parents. It just makes sense. Most days I'm only here to sleep, eat breakfast and shower, then out the door we go, Annie almost always still asleep. Do you know what that means? yep, breakfast dishes laying in wait for me, clothes strewn about in various stages of cleanliness, laundry never gets done, and the bed never gets made. Oddly enough, it's the unmade bed that upsets me the most. I just can't stand it. It doesn't help that I have the weirdest dog on the planet, who insists on removing all the pillows from the bed while we're sleeping and then piles the blankets at the end for him to sleep on. Every morning I wake up with a crick in my neck and my feet freezing cold. I ask him whats up, and he just gives me puppy eyes. We're thinking of contacting the dog whisperer for some insight.
So that's what we're up to lately. All work and no play. Except for Annie of course, she gets to play all day with her Gigi. I'm not even going to talk about how jealous I get that my mom gets to spend more time with her than me. I figure in a way she deserves it. She worked and raised her kids, it only makes sense that she gets to play all day with her grand kids now. Hopefully in the Far Far future I will get to just spend all day with my grand kids and not work.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Carpet rolls and long legs

After a very long morning of just being tired and not feeling well. I made myself clean one room in my house. I choose the entry way. I think I thought that room would be the easiest because Annie hasn't dumped her toys in there. Well it was still yucky. I mopped the floors and was shocked to see that the water was black before I was even half way through. Yuck.
After that, while the floor was drying Annie and I watched the new show Make it or Brake it on our computer. Annie was very intrigued, her favorite part was when the girls did the balance beam. During one of the internet enforced commercial breaks, Annie snuck off and started practicing her own little gymnastic routine on the rolled up carpet in the entry way.    So here is miss Annie pointing her toes and walking the line. I so love this little girl.  

 * special note, during the show they say "focus" a lot.  Annie insists that the binky, "keep me focus mommy."

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