Monday, July 20, 2009


Do you ever just feel utterly trapped in your life? I have been really struggling with this lately, and have come the conclusion that until God makes a move I just have to sit here with my lot and learn to be grateful. It's easier said then done. Nothing is easy anymore. Nothing just flows, everything is complicated and cumbersome. Just going to the store is near impossible right now, and I thought life would get easier as Annie got older. HA!
In order for me to go to the grocery store I have to call Gigi, see if Banjo can come to her house. Drive Banjo there, go to the store, take the groceries home and then go back to pick up the dog. The process takes about three hours. Why do you ask do I have to do that? Well turns out my perfect dog isn't so perfect. Whenever I leave him in the house he poops. The vet said it's a common problem with dogs of his breed. They get mad when left. It wouldn't be such a big problem if I didn't have a scalped chicken staying in his cage right now. Yes, I said scalped. I'd post a picture but I think it might be illegal to post something so gruesome. I tried closing him off in one of the rooms, but that means poop in which ever room you leave him in and he can open closed doors. Not sure how he does it, but it's happened twice now.
Then there's the question of exercise. It's not possible to exercise with an almost three year old. Walks involve tiny bicycles which are surprisingly heavy and moving at a snails pace. Doesn't exactly get the blood pumping. So that requires dropping Annie off at my mothers. Yep you guessed it, three hour trip just to run around the block a few times.
So this is what it's like to be a single mom. I never really was that curious, and kinda wished things were different. Well not kinda. I really wish things were different. I see things slowly getting worse month by month. My ability to handle stress is decreasing by the second. Every time I get a bill in the mail I just cry. I can't remember how to multitask. I haven't cooked in over a month. I've started gaining weight over the last six months not a lot, but five pounds here or there add up and I can't get the weight off. Why you ask? See above.
Then there's the over whelming loneliness, that constantly eats at you. No money to go out. No time to commit to building friendships. Being to exhausted to get motivated. Fear of falling apart in front of someone your just getting to know, because your barely hanging on, is also an unattractive problem. I'm not keen on being seen as the girl who breaks down crying all the time, but that's what I fight against doing every day. I'm not even going to tell you what happens when you try to befriend the wrong kind of girl. Just don't be suprised when rumors fly and your name is dragged through the mud, and the thought of trying again with someone else becomes so scarry you'd rather stay home alone on your one night off from parenting and working.
I really hate to say it but I'm tired, and there's is no fix. No solution. I have to wait. I don't even know what I'm waiting for, but every time I try and fix things myself I feel God is saying no, be patient. At least I really hope thats what he's saying, it could just be I'm getting lazy. I don't even have any more ideas as to what I can do to make things better. I'm all out. All tried, all failed.
We've been focusing on the beatitudes in church this last month, and where it talks about those who mourn, will be comforted, I get scared. Do those who mourn ever smile again, are they happy ever? I feel eaten up by all the brokenness in my life. That when a counselor tells me it's ok to mourn over all the things that aren't, I can't. I feel like it will consume me. That if I let go and look at my life, the sadness will take over.
A few sessions ago I had to take in my photo album of me as a kid growing up to look at. When she told me I was pretty, I wanted to hit her, and tell her it's not nice to lie. No one ever said I was pretty growing and I have never felt pretty, and when she said that I got so angry. I don't even know what or who I was angry at. Was it her or all the people in my life who never told me I was pretty? Thankfully I didn't hit her. But her words have really affected me since then. I think back and I try to tell myself I was pretty then.
I hate thinking back to me before Christ. How ugly my life was. How twisted my motivations were. How empty everything felt. Trying to tell myself that God loved me then, is hard. It's hard to believe that he could even look at the women I was without disgust and anger. That even then he was working on a plan to save me from myself, is hard to believe some days. The fact that he did it, I find myslef thinking was an accident. That he didn't mean to. But the truth is he did. He planned this all out, and not just when I ended up pregnant. He planned this out before I was even born. He loved me then. And if he planned that far in advance to rescue me, I can not doubt that he has plans for the rest of my life. That he knows what he's doing. I do not have to join to find a husband. God planned for that, he's knows I am lonely, he's know I want Annie to have a full time dad. He doesn't need my help, all he needs is my faith in him.


Greta said...

Wow, Maddie you are an amazing writer and pretty! So pretty! I remember so many times growing up wishing I could just be as pretty as you. Still do.

Reality said...

Do you want another dog cage? I have one you can have.

Breathe. I think you are pretty amazing. Plus my sister loved her baby sling. You are talented.

Bailey Mohr said...

You don't just have to "I just have to sit here with my lot and learn to be grateful". God gave you a brain, and desires and creativity and He wants you to have joy! If you feel that he is teaching you to sit and be grateful, that is one thing. We all have seasons of that. But if you think that is what you have to do b/c that is what someone told you a "good Christian woman" should do, I'm sorry, but that doesn't have to be it.

I'm sorry you are lonely, and stressed. I love you and I'm praying for you.

Maddie said...

Blogging is my outlet. It's how I let go of all my frustrations, fears and struggles. It's not about portraying myself as a "good Christian Woman". I am a mess. I don't even know what being a good christian woman means, but most likely that's not me. I'm imagining a woman who does things in an orderly fashion. Who's house is always clean. She bakes bread for the homeless, and wears long frumpy dresses (I'm thinking Brie from Desperate Housewives only not so sexy). That so isn't me. I am selfish and broken. I struggle with my lot, when my lot is exactly where God wants me, I am safe, fed (a little to much lately), clothed, and I have a beautiful daughter. God has given me so much these last few years, and my frustration is that in all he's given me I'm still not satisfied. I still want what he hasn't given me, and selfishly that is where I focus.
In all these ridiculous struggles I have grown and I have learned a lot about myself, God and our relationship together. He provides everything for me. Work, a home, a family that I am just beginning to understand. None of these things would I have without him. To think of where I would be without him just makes me cry (even more than when I get bills in the mail).
So please be patient with me. Read between the lines. I'm not always saying what you might think. I do have a brain. I would hope somewhere in all my writing you could see that.


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