Thursday, October 1, 2009

missing the ghetto

This may sound strange, but I really miss my old apartment. My wonderful neighbors, last minute dinner parties. Being able to decorate any way I wanted, not being surround by flesh toned walls and giant pianos that take up half my living room. I don't miss the scary guns shots or being super far away from everything. I just really miss feeling like my home was my own. Feeling free to have people over whenever I wanted. Not feeling watched or nervous my landlord will stop by because I didn't respond to one of his e-mails fast enough. Being forced to ask permission to have a friend visit from out of town is not something I have ever encountered with a landlord. Not knowing when people are coming in the house, and generally being made to feel that this is not my house is new too. I am seen more as a long term house guest here.
While struggling to deal with this, I have realized that mostly I just feel trapped. It's like being 16 all over again, when you feel all grown up and want to make your own choices about your life without the influence of your parents. Feeling watched and knowing as soon as you step out of line you'll be called on it. Not being able to feel your way through life . Only I'm not 16 I'm 29 and I have a landlord who treats me more like his lost teenage daughter than a tenant. Sorry that's not nice, but it really feels that way.
All of this has made me desperately want my own house. To not fear that my landlord will stop by while I'm at work and leave me a "to do" list on my kitchen counter (yes this really does happen). To not have to explain why a light is turned on, or why the house isn't picked up. If you weren't aware I work A LOT, so no my house isn't how I would like it to be. Nothing would make me happier than to be able to stay home and play house (really I'm serious), but it's just not in the cards right now. All of this has made me really determined to get out of here, but not to make a mistake and throw away an opportunity. So I've set myself a new goal and started saving, but guess what? It's super hard to save when your a single parent. There just isn't enough income. No matter how much I work it's still just enough to get by. At night we pray to God for work, and Annie always interjects with a reminder that she doesn't like when I work, which of course makes me feel terrible, but at least she's not going to grown up watching me sleep all day or watch soap opera's (not that's a bad thing, if that's what you like to do). I'm on my third month of saving and lets just say I haven't even saved half of what my monthly goal needs to be if we're going to get a house in three to four years (and that house would have to cost no more that $80,000). This week I got news from two jobs that they were "cutting back" which means I'm out a job, and will be making that much less each month. God, do you have a plan here that I can't see?
So I've been a little sad this last week, even though it was my birthday, it was a really hard week. My sister is convinced I'm depressed and will probably show up at my door any day now with our counselor (yes we see the same counselor) for some sort of "just say no to sadness" intervention where we'll look at anti depressant brochures and talk about my treatment options. Really I am just feeling discouraged. In the last three years I have barely stayed afloat some months and I'm just tired of feeling like everything is staked against me. I'm determined to make this happen, I'm just sad that I have made so little progress, so I'm longing for my old apartment in the ghetto. When my only goal was to pay the monthly bills and worry about everything else later. I guess this is later.


Greta said...

I promise no interventions.

lauren gray said...

we miss you, too, old neighbor. as trite as it sounds, i do understand what it is to be a single mom, and we should probably hang out more just to commiserate. . .

Maddie said...

Your on get your butt over here any time (or invite me over), I miss you guys so much!


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