My blessing

It's no shocker to most that my life isn't perfect, it doesn't fit into a pretty box.  I have many struggles, but I have even more blessings.   This week I found out that my sister is pregnant with number four and I couldn't be happier for her.    I feel terrible that I wasn't able to keep up with the smiling and the happiness.  I didn't realize that I was sad, until I watched her calling her friends to announce the good news.  Then it hit me; I didn't get to do that with Annie.   It wasn't good news the way it is for my sister.  My pregnancy wasn't celebrated.   It wasn't a wonderful experience.    I had three days of just getting used to the idea before my life was torn apart by a woman who didn't even know me.    Her words have haunted me for the past three years, and I am still struggling to remind myself they weren't true.    I was lost, depressed, alone, and beyond sad.   It was a struggle that I was going to have to deal with the rest of my life.  I hate to even write these words about my pregnancy because Annie deserves to be celebrated every day.  She is the most beautiful, wonderful gift I have ever received in my life and God blesses me everyday through her.   I guess I'm just mourning what wasn't, and what isn't, and praying that at some point Annie will know what it's like to have two people who love each other, love her.    That she will have a little brother or sister to play and grow with.   That I will get to experience having someone love me and tell me that I am beautiful, someone who will stay.  

Thank you everyone for your calls and emails.  I promise you I'm not going to jump off a bridge.  I'm just working through the sad parts in life that I tend to put away for the rainy days, and it's been really rainy lately.   I know God is with me each step and that he has a great plan for my life.   No matter what happens I am a part of his plan.

Sorry, but today is one of those thunder road kind of days.   I woke up and things were fine then that stupid brick wall appears in front of me and I can't move, I can't sew. I don't even feel like cooking.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Where you keep your chickens?

Annie had her cousin Ruby over today.    I was tired of being Cinderella's evil stepsister, so I kinda beg my sister to barrow one of hers and Ruby was available.  Wow, they were so great.  I wasn't asked to play once, they were so busy.    I can't tell you what a relief that was.   After playing inside for a few hours Annie asked me "where uby's chicken boots, mama?"  "I don't know if Ruby has chicken boots, why?"  "Her need um, so I show my babies to her."  I quickly dig out a pair of old crocs for Ruby, and Annie gets her chicken boots on.    The two walk out to the coop hand in hand and start talking.  Ruby gets to see Harold (the chic she named), but does not want to touch her.    Her expression is part fear, part disgust.   The girls continue talking after I show Ruby which one she had named.   I pick up parts of the conversation.  Annie asks Ruby, "where you keep your chickens?"  Ruby replies, "oh, I don't know."  Annie, "You could keep em here."   Ruby, "O.K."    It was really hard to not laugh, they were so cute.  If your wondering Ruby does not have chickens.  

Long lines and toilet paper

Annie and I went on a grand adventure this morning.   Today was the local herb sale, and Annie and I were excited to get some great prices on herbs and tomatoes.  The sale was to start at 8:30 am.  Annie and I road Mer-dade over to the sale at a little before 8am because mommy had the time wrong, but thank goodness I did.  Yikes!  There was a line wrapped around the building.  Are people really this crazy about herbs?  Not only that, but there were women walking up and down the line serving iced tea and cookies?   To say Annie and I were surprised is an understatement.   I know people love to garden, but if your that crazy about herbs, maybe you should buy some seeds.    The prices weren't that great either.  I do have to say the ladies who run the show are knowledgeable and exceptionally friendly.   

     We ended up standing in line for over an hour.   The ladies were smart to serve refreshments.  I'm sure that calmed the cranky shoppers down.  I'm now wondering if the cookies were infused with some herbal sedative, because everyone was very calm.  Even Annie.  Yep, they definitely put something in those cookies, clever ladies.    Annie did great until she realized she'd just been standing in line for an hour and started to get antsy.  She went and climbed up on Mer-dade, "buckle me, I done" (see photo above).  Thankfully they gave her more tea and cookies, so I got to get a few plants before Annie fell apart.  Which she did.  In the middle of the sale Annie falls to the floor and says "my legs boke, I need go to doctor."   Please note her legs were not broken, this is a game we play which involves wobbly legs and an oil can (thank you Tin man).  I forgot my oil can, so I carry her and my bag of herbs back to Mer-dade and we ride home.       I figure we've left the sale, so Annie should get back to her happy self.  Oops, wishful thinking is a big mistake, silly mommy .  The more I hope for good behavior the less I get.  I'm attaching a few pics at the end to give you an idea of how she was the rest of the day.   Just to give you the heads up we might be out of toilet paper if you stop by.

Annie got to the toilet paper while I was outside planting our new herbs.

I didn't even find this mess,

until I went looking for this little monster. Worn out from being attacked by the toilet paper, right? 

Trapped inside a yellow car

     My car has suffered another tragedy recently.  Not sure what exactly, it just kinda keeled over and all those miserable warning lights came on that tell you to "fix car now", or in my case just stop driving because the cost of repairs will be to much.  So, I'm now driving my ex's car around town, since he's out of town on work.  I need to let you all know a little something about this car.  Aside from being a two door which means the car seat is impossible to reach, it's NEON YELLOW.  Yep thats right, neon yellow. This car should have been a warning sign when I first met Don, because I hate yellow.  No offense to all you yellow lovers out there, but I had a rather traumatic yellow experience when I was a child  (and no offense to Don, we are grateful for the car, thank you).

     My mother (who I love)  decorated my entire room yellow when I was a kid.  Laura Ashley yellow to be precise.  Everything was yellow, the walls, the curtains, the closet, the bed spread, and yes even the lamp shades.  There's is something about yellow that If you look at it to long it can effect your ability to see other colors.  I kid you not, for years red looked green to me.  

     Annie at the age of two has already experienced trauma from the color yellow, or should I say from lack of yellow.    I had recently gotten the Bee movie with that guy from Sienfeld and that actress from Bridget Jones Diary.  I get the movie from the library and think this will be a good time for me to get some cleaning done.  I press play and hightail it out of the living room and into the kitchen where the dishes are forming weapons of mess destruction and I get started.   By the time I'm done the movie has ended.  Perfect timing.  We go off and play.  Two days later Annie is at Gigi's with her cousins painting and Annie has created a lovely green and black creation on her paper.  I ask her what it is and she tells me it's a bumblebee.  I just shrug and think O.K..  Annie's cousin Ruby does not.   Ruby happens to own a pair of yellow and black shoes, that her mom calls her bumblebee shoes, so Ruby knows about bumblebee colors.  Ruby decides to correct Annie's little color confusion and the two quickly get into it.  "They Geen and Back!", "they not, they ellow, back!" the girls get rather loud.   Finally I step in, "bumblebee's are yellow and black, Annie."  My daughter just looks at me crushed, I'd sided with the enemy.  

     I take my broken, distraught Annie home crying.  We get home and through tears she says, "I show you they not ellow."  turns on the T.V. and starts her bee movie.  Oh my gosh, there they are Green and Black bee's.  The color yellow is no longer working on our T.V..  I tell Annie, I'm so sorry, that she was right.   Bumblebees are green and black.  Over the coarse of the movie I explain about how they are only green and black on mommies T.V..  That the ones outside are Yellow and Black.    The saddest part is we still use the broken T.V. with no yellow, and in hand-me-down tradition Annie now has to wear the bumble bee shoes for the summer. We changed the name to daddy car shoes, just don't tell Ruby or my sister.

Thanking the Lord for Grandmothers

Today was my day at work for the week.    Yep, things are slow.  Bills aren't getting paid, but at least the rent is in.   I've been a little over stressed because my work has dried up so much, that Annie spent the night with my mother last night. I needed to sleep, so as not to break down in tears when I arrived at work today.    Where would the world be without Grandmothers?  I tell you it would be a sad place.  A desperate place where mothers everywhere would start cutting their kids hair on their own and forgetting to change the diapers.  Instead, opting for the more fermented pee smell instead of the snugly fresh baby sent that all grandmothers love.   While there Annie insisted that Grandma push her really high on the swing "we got to see God and ask him come down."   Annie's excitement builds as the swing gets higher, pedaling her feet as though that will help her climb higher into the sky where God is.    My mother had the sense to ask her what she would say to God if he came down, "Play," a few swing later, "tickle him," then, "go in zebo" (a gazebo in the midle of grandma's back yard) followed by, "sit in chairs, see the ball, swing him and hold on and pedal his feet."  By this time the swing has gone as high as it can and Annie finally lets it die down and jumps off.  Throwing her arms in the air and yelling "COME DOWN GOD, PLAY!"   Her love and trust that God is there, is one of my favorite things about her.  I wish I didn't go through times of doubting and could just be more like Annie.  Truly believing that God listens, and that he plays. 

In an attempt to soften my guilt for not being there with her last night and today while I worked (missing Annie's talk about God), I told Annie we could go anywhere she wanted for dinner.  I thought she would pick Bread company, being that seems to be the only place that can make broccoli cheddar soup the way Annie likes it.    But instead, she chose "Nachoes moemoe" (Nacho Mama's)  I little more expansive than I had planned on for my guilt induced splurge, but I said O.K..   Had I only known what I was in for.  We get there, order what Annie wants and then while waiting for the food, she falls asleep!  Not just lightly nodding off, but more or less passes out.    Yep, I just spent three hours in a restaurant letting Annie nap while her food gets cold.  To say people were looking is an understatement.  People were gawking.  Who is the strange mother who lets her kid nap in a restaurant at 4pm?  I say take it when you can.  I haven't napped in 3+ years and believe me, I should.     It was another lonely dinner, only this time with onlookers whispering as they walked past.  One little girl actually come to the table to see if Annie was real or just a plastic doll.   Yes, Grandmothers are great, but I'm not sure bedtime is something they cherish, as they once did with their own children.

Mer-dade

       Annie and I went on a bike ride to the grocery store today.  It was VERY windy, but we made it.  Somehow no matter what direction I was headed it felt like I was going against the wind.   Annie kept yelling "close your eyes, mommy! it windy wind out here"  Don't try to explain to Annie why closing your eyes is a bad idea when riding a bike.  She will not listen to you. 

        About half way home Annie asks me, "mommy, what your bike name?"  I told her it didn't have a name, and of course her response is "Well, I name it for you."  She went through a long list of names (almost all Disney princesses).  Belle, Cinderella, Flounder, Snow White, Aurora, Sally, and then she said it, Mer-dade.  Merdade is how Annie says Mermaid, and everytime she  

says it I can't stop laughing.  Annie hears me laugh (oops) and then says "you like that name, mommy?"

"I like that name, but you can't laugh at her when you say it, you hurt her heart, you do that."  So Mer-dade it is. My nameless bike of 13 years now has a name.  

This picture is of Annie sitting on Mer-dade making her best fishy face.

                                                                               

Worms

          

 The girls have moved out to their house, and I couldn't be happier to have my house back.  Annie misses them, but she loves to go visit at their house.  We haven't quite finished the coop yet, but it's getting there.  The inside is complete.  I made a makeshift yard out the back for the girls to play in when the weather is nice.  Annie had fun trying to get the girls to walk out their back door.  She tried demonstrating several times and eventually resorted to kinda throwing the girls one at a time down the plank.   She then walked them around the small fenced off area.  Sally found a worm, but Harold took it from her and so they all chased Harold around Annie.   She really loves to watch them play.  After that Annie spent a good 20 minutes trying to find another worm, so they would do it again.  Sadly she didn't have any luck.   

The today makes it impossible to let them out, because the back yard floods every time it rains.  I probably should be raising ducks instead of chickens.  The water is already up to my ankles, and we still have more rain in the forecast. 

operating manual

Sweet Whiskey is the name of my Etsy store.  I have been putting it together slowly over the last two weeks.  It really shouldn't have taken me that long.   My daughter could have done it in less than an hour, but I have issues, obviously.   So Last night was it's first night up and running and I actually made a sale?!?  Yeah, kinda weird. It was only for $6.00, but I honestly wasn't sure I would make a dime.   Plus, now I'm all stressed about what to put on it.  I mean honestly a name like Sweet Whiskey needs to have amazing things on it, and I don't feel equipped for the kind of pressure I'm putting on myself.   You'd think I'd just stop putting the pressure on myself, but that's not how I operate.  It states clearly in my operating manual to put undo pressure on oneself at all times.  This is yet another reason I need counseling.   Obviously my operating manual needs a little editing.    Like where it says, "Must fear all people" or "do not talk to anyone, they might be nice to you."  I've learned in the last three years of counseling that most people don't have similar guidelines to live by.  Theirs probably says things like "be kind to others", "love your neighbor" or simply "relax."

I'm getting there.  Last night I actually sat down and talked to a group of girls from my church!  So, not me.  Still not sure how I feel about it, but I'm thinking I should give a week or two to sink in and then reassess. 

My daughter the song writer

I caught Annie last night in mid verse, these are the words to the first song Annie ever made up herself.  "God made me beautiful, God made me smart, God made these cheeks and they no fall off."  Note this was being sung quite loudly with arms flailing, while wearing a neon green tinker bell dress about 5 inches above the knee (oh my! I need to make it longer like yesterday) with one pink shoe, one red shoe, and purple pants. 

Yes, she's about as fashionable as Hanna Montana.  The two are going to be on a tv show about what not to wear.    I sadly didn't catch the rest of her song.  She saw me doing my mommy spy moves and quite ASAP.  I'm not very good at sneaking.  

Quick Updates:

The chickens are spending their first night outside.  I'm so happy.  

My car is evil

My bike makes me happier than cocaine

and Annie has decided to no longer nap (this is bad)

Strawberries and Princesses

" Your fart stinky, mine smell like strawberry and princess "   Annie Schmidt 4/10/09

Where have all the good men gone?

Being a single mom basically means, I don't get out much.  When I do, it's usually last minute, when I reach my breaking point and just can't seem to keep going.  Some tell tale signs that I'm getting to this point, is when the house gets messy, the laundry stops getting washed and I can't find anything to eat in the kitchen (completely psychosomatic, that one).  Last night was one of those nights.  I just wanted to quit life.  Most of the time I get by pretty well and have little to complain about.   Then it will hit me like a brick wall and the thought of another day doing this by myself is to much to handle.  So Annie gets to have a sleep over with her Gigi and I go out.  I pretend I'm free.  I pretend I have money and the body I used to have before Annie (these two are a little harder to pull off).   

I drop Annie off at my mothers and begin to plan my night.  I don't tell my mother my plans because honestly, I' terrified of her disapproval and telling me that I can't.   Even this morning when she asked me what I did last night I said nothing.  Strange that at 28 I still feel like she controls my world and that her approval means everything. 

Because I am incapable of planing things more than 4 hours in advance and all my friends are married, I usually go out alone.  Which was the case last night.  After visiting with a friend for a few hours I headed to my final destination.  A very strange bar on Morganford, that I still don't understand.  It's clean, the colors are beige and blue and it just doesn't fit in, but a friend (more acquaintance really) plays there frequently and I love Love Love to hear them play.    I walk in and go to the bar for a beer.  A somewhat attractive man buys my beer for me, therefor requiring me to at least say hi and respond to some small chit chat before moving on.  Well, he was a talker, thankfully not a toucher, but very inquisitive.  If I've learned anything in the last five years of being a massage therapist it's DON'T tell people your a massage therapist at a bar, and avoid telling people you have a kid if your going to want more than one beer.  So over the year I have compiled a list of occupations that don't get men overly excited.  Teacher and Vet tech seem to be the best ones. Never ever say: Massage Therapist, Librarian, nurse or Flight Attendant.

So after about 10 minutes of talking I move away from my new beer buying friend.  He wasn't crude or mean or anything I just wasn't interested.   About half an hour later I see Mr. Beer go into the ladies room with one of the bartenders (female) and walk out two songs later, SO GROSS!  Thank you Lord for the sense you gave me!    Seeing this only makes me sad to the fact that if there actually are any good guys out there I'm most likely never going to meet them.  Unless they to decide to join my church where being single over 25 makes you the minority, because I never get out and when I do all I meet are creepy guys that either drink to much or go to ladies room with the bartender.    

my list

My sister is tired of staring at the mystery jar, she said it scared her, and I really didn't have much to say, so I made a list.   Please don't judge.  Some people have gambling or realtor.com. Me? I have my kitchen.

My list of strange things I keep in my kitchen

six different types of honey

Enough black beans and rice to keep a mexican restaurant running for about a week

A box of microwave popcorn (only strange because I don't own a microwave)

Five rolling pins

Nine pounds of oats

Five different types of flour

Jars, jars, jars and jars (no Tupperware in this house)

Eight pounds of butter? I didn't believe it myself until I counted

Six baby chicks

Nine pounds of puff pastry dough (it was eleven but I made chicken puffs)

and a collection of cookbooks so large that it spilled over into my living room

A cabinet dedicated to nothing but herbs, homeopathic tabs, and homemade tinctures (yeah I make them)

I'm thinking I should either open a restaurant or confess to my counselor. 

Mystery jar

Mid cleaning I found this in my fridge.  I'm a little embarrassed to say I have no idea what it is.  I've never seem anything freeze like this, and yes it's totally frozen.

Skeksis and mops

So I got two days away from my life.  It felt strange coming home.  The house messy, the bills still sitting where I left them, and Annie the absolute greatest thing in my life looking at me like a stranger.   

Oh, and the chickens too.  Twice the size as when I left them they are starting to resemble Skeksis (Jim Henson, Dark Crystal).    Somehow I felt like I didn't fit into all this.  That somehow I'd fallen out of rhythm with my life in the two days I had been away, and I've been struggling to get back into it.  

I'm starting by getting my house together.  It wasn't terrible, but it needs organization and a mop.    My next goal will be income.  I've lost quite a few clients with this darn economic crisis and need to shift things around again.  I'm so thankful God gave me the gift of flexibility.  And Annie? She finally came to recognize me as mom and we're pretty stable, so things are good there.  But the chickens?  Oh, they have got to get out of my house.  They now jump out of their pool and walk freely around the breakfast room (evoking nightmares of a Skeksis attack in my own home).  

While I was gone my friend Mark worked on their coop a lot.  It's completely framed and ready for shingles and walls!   I can't believe how much he got done.  But he's going out of town, and my homework while he's away is to shingle the roof.   I should find someone to show me how, but I'm so sick of asking for help.  I think I'm gonna see what YouTube can show me.

No Crying

We've spent a lot of time outside lately, and I've gotten a lot of yard work done.  The down side?  My allergies.  I was feeling so great that I kinda forgot to take my morning regimen of fowl tasting crap that somehow stops my body from reacting to St. Louis.  Oops.  Now I'm sniffily and teary eyed yet again.  Every time Annie looks at me she says "no cry mommy" or "stop cry."   It's hard to explain to her that I'm not crying.  I tried to tell her I wasn't and she just looked at me and said "but mommy, I see you cry."  I've been unable to convince her that I'm not crying but simply have itchy watery eyes from the massive pollen explosion outside.  So I'm getting used to her checking in on me every now and then.  She pats my back, says "stop your cry" and goes back to her playing.  I love my Annie.