Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I want my lala land

So my attempt at living in reality is a colossal failure, and it's only been three days. Making a list and trying to break it all down, not a good idea. My list keeps getting longer before I have a chance to even break down the first five things. It's seems the more I get done, the longer the list actually becomes. I'm physically exhausted from trying to get things done, I'm stressed beyond belief looking and/ or even thinking about my list. And the worst part? I'm starting to just loose all hope that things will ever get better. I've started forgetting to tell myself that God has a plan, because I find myself doubting he does anymore.
So I'm going back to living in my own personal lala land. To pretending this is all temporary, to pretending it's all going to get better and soon. I need this lala land where I don't look at the future. Where I don't think about where we will live next, how I'll pay the bills next month and where we're going to get the money for fixing the car the next time it breaks down, because it will break down. The one thing that I can depend on is that my car will break down again, and every time I (in my lala land) tell my self God knows this is going on. It's all part of his plan that Annie and I have no money.
I foolishly took my car to a dealer to just see what my options were, part of my living in reality idea, and of coarse he couldn't tell me anything until after I looked at a few cars. I told him I just need to see the numbers. The last dealer got me, and good, just by making me sit in a car a billion times nicer than mine own. Telling me how safe it was, how safe it was for Annie, and how dependable this car would be. Let's not forget him telling me I could afford said car. Well three years later and that very car has been a curse on my life. Sucking me dry of what little money I've managed to to put in savings every time. And believe it or not I cry when I think about how we have no savings.
But back to the dealer. He makes me sit in a car. Grrr... I was so mad I wanted to leave, but I sat there, while he showed me all the bells and whistle and I fought tooth and nail not to let him suck me in. Then he shows me the ratings on the car. I start crying when I read that this particular car has the lowest break/repair occurrence of any car. Yes, the dealer looked at me like I was crazy, but he hit that one button.
So we finally talk numbers. I'm currently upside down in my car loan by a mere $5,000, and getting me into any car would most likely cost somewhere between $700-800 a month. Of coarse I get up to go, but no this guy wants to drag it out. Telling me if I could just put $4,000 down I could get my payments closer to $500 a month. Is he nuts? What single mom has that much money? Certainly not me. It was, all in all a terrible experience, but at least I know I am truely trapped in my current car and I can stop day dreaming about ever getting out of it.
In my lala land, I will meet a great Single Christian guy with two Toyota prius's or maybe even a Chevy Volt, I hear they are going to be awesome, mine will be Charcoal Grey and his can be what ever color he wants. We'll own a small house and no one will stop by to tell me I have to close the garage door.



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