Watermelon attempt II

Annie and I recently cut our watermelon off the vine. It wasn't quite was I hoping for, but as with anything, practice makes perfect. Last year when I grew watermelon, they all grew to be the size of ping pong balls. This year they are slightly larger than a softball. Success in my eyes. Perhaps next year we will get closer to a cantaloupe size watermelon. Annie was very excited to finally open it up. The insides gave us about five spoonfuls each. Well worth the 3 months of growing right?

Meet Nadia

"He doesn't have a home. He has to come home with us. He needs me, mommy. I take care of him..." The list of excuses was endless and tear jerking. She just couldn't leave this poor lost soul on the floor of her Gigi's bathroom. So now Nadia the gymnastic Butterfly lives with us on our kitchen counter next to Mr. Wormy the snake (see post tittle Mr. Wormy for a more formal introduction), he's a dried up worm, seriously. I love my daughters loving heart, but I'm little worried that as she grows so will her need to take in lost souls. I can see cats and dogs in our future who just "follow" her home. Eventually leading up to us having random strangers who Annie deems as homeless coming over for dinner. As long as she doesn't start adopting homeless teenagers when she gets to those years I'll be ok, I think.

Hand Me Ups

My sister, who I recently learned has a Nerd Phobia (the candy, not the guy who fixes your computer) gave me back some clothes that I had loaned her for Poppy (her 20 month old). In the bag was a dress that was not from me. Of course Annie puts it on and it fits. Is she not growing, or do my sisters kids just grow twice the rate as mine does?

todays conversation

"Annie where are you?"

"In here, I holding a egg, it OK I sit on it?"

"No dear it will break."

"But I am a chicken! I sit on eggs all day."

"No dear, you are a little girl who raises chickens."

"Oh"

A better picture

The plus side to turning 29 is that I finally got a new picture for my drivers license. My last photo portrayed me in a very different light. I was 18 or 19 when it was taken. I lost my Drivers License and assumed they would just print off a copy of my old one. It was the middle summer. I had to ride my bike to the DMV? (Yeah, it was not a good year). I got there sweaty and tired and they took my picture before I even realized that's what I was there for. I had that Lady you fear getting who probably feels terrible every day of her life and finds joy in making sure you look like she feels on your drivers license. How I ended up keeping the same picture for the last 10 years is beyond me. I was so excited to get me notice in the mail that my drivers license was about to expire. Strange I know, excited about a trip to the DMV. I actually did my hair and drove a car to the DMV this time. See things are getting better. I let a few people go ahead of me, not because I was feeling generous, but because this time I going to make sure a woman did not take me photo. I got the only man in the DMV to take my photo. He was very nice, even counted to three before pushing the button that would capture the image every bartender in St. Louis would see. Well that's probably over doing it. All of maybe three bartenders in St. Louis will ever see it. I don't really get out much and when I do it's to go to one of three places. 1. Nacho Mama's 2. Off Broadway and 3. Blackthorn. These are my favorite places, and I really hope I get a new employee next time I go in, so that I can show them my drivers license. It's not the most amazing picture, but I don't look like an abused drug addict, so this is a big improvement. Thank Jim from the DMV, your my hero.

missing the ghetto

This may sound strange, but I really miss my old apartment. My wonderful neighbors, last minute dinner parties. Being able to decorate any way I wanted, not being surround by flesh toned walls and giant pianos that take up half my living room. I don't miss the scary guns shots or being super far away from everything. I just really miss feeling like my home was my own. Feeling free to have people over whenever I wanted. Not feeling watched or nervous my landlord will stop by because I didn't respond to one of his e-mails fast enough. Being forced to ask permission to have a friend visit from out of town is not something I have ever encountered with a landlord. Not knowing when people are coming in the house, and generally being made to feel that this is not my house is new too. I am seen more as a long term house guest here.
While struggling to deal with this, I have realized that mostly I just feel trapped. It's like being 16 all over again, when you feel all grown up and want to make your own choices about your life without the influence of your parents. Feeling watched and knowing as soon as you step out of line you'll be called on it. Not being able to feel your way through life . Only I'm not 16 I'm 29 and I have a landlord who treats me more like his lost teenage daughter than a tenant. Sorry that's not nice, but it really feels that way.
All of this has made me desperately want my own house. To not fear that my landlord will stop by while I'm at work and leave me a "to do" list on my kitchen counter (yes this really does happen). To not have to explain why a light is turned on, or why the house isn't picked up. If you weren't aware I work A LOT, so no my house isn't how I would like it to be. Nothing would make me happier than to be able to stay home and play house (really I'm serious), but it's just not in the cards right now. All of this has made me really determined to get out of here, but not to make a mistake and throw away an opportunity. So I've set myself a new goal and started saving, but guess what? It's super hard to save when your a single parent. There just isn't enough income. No matter how much I work it's still just enough to get by. At night we pray to God for work, and Annie always interjects with a reminder that she doesn't like when I work, which of course makes me feel terrible, but at least she's not going to grown up watching me sleep all day or watch soap opera's (not that's a bad thing, if that's what you like to do). I'm on my third month of saving and lets just say I haven't even saved half of what my monthly goal needs to be if we're going to get a house in three to four years (and that house would have to cost no more that $80,000). This week I got news from two jobs that they were "cutting back" which means I'm out a job, and will be making that much less each month. God, do you have a plan here that I can't see?
So I've been a little sad this last week, even though it was my birthday, it was a really hard week. My sister is convinced I'm depressed and will probably show up at my door any day now with our counselor (yes we see the same counselor) for some sort of "just say no to sadness" intervention where we'll look at anti depressant brochures and talk about my treatment options. Really I am just feeling discouraged. In the last three years I have barely stayed afloat some months and I'm just tired of feeling like everything is staked against me. I'm determined to make this happen, I'm just sad that I have made so little progress, so I'm longing for my old apartment in the ghetto. When my only goal was to pay the monthly bills and worry about everything else later. I guess this is later.

Kid in the cart

Driving to the store Annie is half asleep

I always find myself stuck with a kid half asleep driving home to a house with no food after work. Miraculously I have found a simple solution to our quirky little dilemma and it's nap time at the grocery store, and for us it works. Although I will need to find a store with bigger grocery carts soon. Thankfully the grocery store clerks haven't reported me to child services and love to sneak peeks at little Miss. Annie asleep in the cart. As cute as it seems though, I find myself jealous of all the moms who get to go to the grocery store alone or better yet have someone else go for them altogether. Annie still sleeping after a long walk through the store